Freedom Day
I was in the middle of a forest, by a big wooden pole, and something inside of me looked up at the sky and let out a scream from the depths of my stomach. The blonde-haired fiery South African woman walked by me without stopping and my mind yelled “Why won’t you help?!” The ‘thing’ inside of me began to laugh and said “You can’t win.”
I woke up.
This was the first nightmare of many that would occur for the next ten days. The following nightmares consisted of this South African powerhouse of a woman looking at me and declaring, “If you rebuke it, it will leave” and waking up; to another night of this brunette mother fiercely engaging in the fight of my soul to a Latina small but mighty woman not backing down. All of these nightmares ended the same way, “She can’t win” and my waking up. For the sake of keeping things in order, the South African powerhouse’s name is Jess, the brunette mother’s name is Jen, and the Latina mighty woman’s name is Martina.
My days leading up to this event consisted of panic attacks, lack of sleep, and unrest until I could get to retreat at JH Ranch on September 24. I was restless the whole retreat and at the prophetic booths where we were supposed to be serving the first year students coming to retreat by prophesying over them; interiorly, I was tormented but I gave my all to bless these students. Eventually and thankfully during that time, they needed someone to play guitar for the dancers which consumed the rest of my time at the prophetic booths. That evening Jess (the very South African powerhouse from my dreams) was our main speaker at the session in the Big Tent. When I walked into the Tent, I immediately recognized it for the nightmare I had been living leading up to the retreat, though I had never been to this place before, and was on edge.
Was my nightmare about to become reality? I sure was hoping not. Jess began the session with words of knowledge (a word of knowledge is a detail about someone, something, or a place that you could not have known without God’s revelation) and after giving a few and praying for those who responded, she was going to continue her message until from the crowd someone shouted “Do some more!” to which Jess responded, “I did have three more, but wasn’t going to do them. We’ll do one more. This one is a little intense and could require some vulnerability - but those who have been plagued with recurring dreams where you are being attacked or they are murderous - would you stand?” I couldn’t believe what has happening!
I want to pause here just briefly. The rest of this story can be a little intense. You can doubt the reality of it, but it is a true event and those involved would witness and testify to it as well. I am sharing my personal experience of deliverance and breakthrough from spirits I did not know were even an influence over my life (and not sharing subtly or with restraint on the words I choose). A second disclaimer is that I do not believe everyone has to have an experience like this, experience deliverance and breakthrough in the same manner, have the same effects I did, or that people have influences they are not aware of in their lives (though maybe some of us do). This testimony has a victorious ending, and that is why I share it.
Continue on if you wish…
I stood up hesitantly and a few people gathered to pray - I crumbled to the ground. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t speak, and couldn’t respond when they wanted me to so someone went to grab Jen (the brunette mother from my dreams). Jen came over and tried to get me to look at her - I don’t remember what she said, what she asked, or the process of things from this point very clearly but they got me outside of the tent and into a chair. Luke (a second year student) was grabbed from somewhere in the tent to come and pray with me, and eventually his wife Liana also joined. Jen, Luke, Liana, and maybe one or two other people were casting out and rebuking many spirits when they realized the spiritual war happening. Towards the beginning the spirit of infirmity, spirit of religion, spirit of death, witchcraft spirits and others were rebuked and cast out. A scapular I was wearing got taken off which made a significant difference and they asked if there was anything else that should come off. I had a chain on that symbolized “being a bondservant” we also removed for good measure. One of the spirits manipulated my body in a way that I thought my back was going to break in two but thankfully the covering of others and Jesus’ mighty Name would not let it do so. I threw up a bunch, made noises that weren’t natural, and finally at a certain point it became a dip, and Jen saw my exhaustion. She found it a good stopping point, and the night was coming to a close. I was taken on a golf cart back to my cabin where I slept a few hours before it was morning and time for breakfast. Jen asked how I was doing that morning and I responded honestly with that I felt simply empty.
We had Revival Group that morning and Jen spoke to us about oil. What steals our oil, how do we fill our oil, what would we spend our oil on - oil being our intimacy with God. We got a little vial of oil and went off to lunch. The afternoon was free so I went on every hiking trail I could find to try and process with Jesus what had happened the night before and what I still felt inside of me that wasn’t completely gone. I didn’t tell anyone that I felt something was still there because I kept saying it was a ‘residual effect’ of the night prior. I laid down in the creek to just have flowing water over me and calm my body. It helped but I was also told it was too cold to have done that (Colorado prepared me well so it wasn’t actually too cold for me) and I didn’t get sick from it so...here we are. That evening’s session after dinner Ben came to speak to us. His message was great and he shared a lot of his own testimonies from his JH Ranch times.
The overflow of the night continued in the Fireside Lounge where students including myself were worshipping the Lord. I went to leave and go to bed when I caught Liana and Luke’s eyes so I went to say goodnight and instead we ended up going into Round Two of deliverance. Luke looked at me and asked “Do you want to be completely freed? I really believe tonight is your night.” I shook my head and said, “Yes.” We moved to a side room where Liana, Luke, Tini (aka Martina), and Elisa prayed with me for three more hours. They were the most intense three hours of my life. Like the night before, they were casting out similar spirits but more this time too - I truly can’t remember all of them. They would get words of knowledge and pray those spirits out usually resulting in my throwing up (REMINDER: I don’t believe it is necessary for this to happen as a sign of being delivered, but this is the experience I had). My body wasn’t in my control most of the time but I was aware of that and the demonic wanted to move my body into a position of bondage where my arms and legs were bound behind my back. Liana and Luke, similarly to Jen the night before, kept telling me to look at them. Every time I was able to lock eyes with any one of them, I could see a doorway in their eyes. In that doorway, I could see Jesus standing there. When I could finally make out His figure, the demonic would freak out and my eyes shut, and the fight began all over. Nothing was able to bind me in any position and than my nightmare happened. Towards the end of the three hours, a spirit began to laugh and mock those praying with me and begin saying “You can’t win” and “No” etc. and a lot of screaming from the depths of my stomach.
The final moments, I was asked if Holy Spirit was revealing anything to me which He was but I was unable to speak. After ten minutes of more prayer, I could finally whisper “victim” and World War III broke out in the room (from my view). The spirit of victim eventually broke and released simultaneously in an instant the Peace of Heaven into that room. I heard several of the others with me also say “Wow” with an exhale and I knew we all felt it. I was laying on the floor exhausted. I was told we had been going for three hours, that they were so proud of me, and I just looked at Luke and Liana and said “I wanted HIM more.” After laying there for a little while, sucking on a packet of honey because my voice and neck were sore, Luke asked me if I had ever been baptized which I said I had when I was four months old. I was asked if I wanted to be baptized again and I didn’t hesitate - I wanted to!
All of my Catholic friends at this point will be having the same thoughts I already know, “You can’t be baptized a second time” and “Why would you do that” and “It doesn’t change anything that happened when you were young” and etc. - I know the theology. To help understand what happened next look at it this way - it was a prophetic act to declare the goodness of what Jesus had just done for me, the deliverance I had received, the gift I was given. “The old is gone and the new has come” had become my war cry. To show this proactively, I decided to be baptized in the creek at the retreat. Luke, Tini, and I were ready to do it that night at 2 AM but the wisdom of Elisa and Liana won out and we waited for the morning when Jen and Jess could also be present with the other third year students from their team.
Walking to breakfast the last morning of retreat (September 26), I saw the spot. There was a little fountain bubbling in the water and Holy Spirit spoke clearly “Here is where I want you to be. That is what is happening within you. Not everyone will understand, but you know. Always remember what I have done. ” I told Jen at breakfast very briefly what had happened the night prior (that morning) and she began to cry with joy. I told Jess who was also so excited. They joined after breakfast and after our group photo at the creek for one of the most transforming moments into my new life. Luke, Jen, and I got in the creek. Jen prayed over me first declaring the old was gone and the new has come that when I went down in the water representing the death with Christ and rising in new resurrection life and Luke prayed the power, resurrection, and boldness of my new life in the Name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit and I was plunged. The brief seconds under the surface were tangible. Call it faith, call it transformation, call it all the things it was, I was a new creation in Christ Jesus filled with His Spirit. EVERYTHING has been different since this moment. I am free. I am chosen. I am His. Not from any striving or earning, I KNOW I am a daughter of God. I could ask no greater gift than the promise He gave of His Spirit and I understand the access I now have to Him. You don’t have to agree with me on how it took place or on my baptism. I could care less what people will say to me (sorry, not sorry). This is my story. And it is my His-story with God.
If you feel in bondage to any spirit, invite Holy Spirit into your life. Invite Him in to replace the fear, the anger, the unforgiveness or whatever else may stand in the way of complete freedom. He will answer. He will show up. He is GOOD and HOLY and calls you to Be-You-To-The-Full: beautiful. May God’s goodness and faithfulness touch your life today through my story. Amen.
